The Shopping Trip: Artemis first adventure
by Jitz
Summary: This is my first Arty fanfic... Artemis and Butler go to the mall... with something different in mind, PG for Butlers outfit...


I do not own any brands or anything that belongs to something else. So don't sue me!  
  
Enjoy!  
  
The Shopping Trip  
  
Slowly venturing out of known lands  
  
------------------ Arts' room--------------------  
  
Art woke to the sounds of Brittany Spears blaring loudly from Butler's room. Art sighed and said "I really despair of the Butler sometimes, I really do."  
  
Art rolled over, and then realized his mistake. " I just wrinkled my pyjamas, and my satin sheets! I really despair of myself sometimes, I really do!"  
  
He checked his bedside clock, and it read 08:03, "Oh, that's just wonderful!" Art exclaimed "I think I'll have a little shopping trip today, I have to get a new wardrobe, or I'll just die!"  
  
Having said that, he walked over to his walk-in wardrobe and sighed. "I just can't pick an outfit by myself, and I really despair of it, I really do!"  
  
He walked over to the other side of the room, humming to himself, and to the intercom.  
  
Pressing Butlers button, he said into the intercom, "Butler"  
  
However, Butler was a bit busy dancing in front of his huge mirror, listening to Brittany Spears, shaking his stuff in Winnie the Pooh undies, and checking it too.  
  
Art rolled his eyes. "BUTLER! I NEED YOU!!!" He screamed into the intercom.  
  
Butler had heard. He turned Brittany Spears off, and bounced over to the intercom. "Hellooo?" he said, in a pathetically high voice.  
  
Art shuddered and rubbed his ear, while saying " Butler, dahling, I need you up here. Now."  
  
Butler cried out and said crossly, "Artemis, I wanna dance!!!"  
  
Art shook his head angrily at the phone and said, " Butler, I told you to tell me Art before. It's so sophisticated, whereas Artemis is just so. old! And bring some cough drops up, will you?"  
  
The intercom stopped crackling at Butlers' end, and he stared at the thing with dislike.  
  
Butler got his pyjamas on, and grabbing his cough worms "They stop the hurting", he started to bounce Fifty-four metres to Arts' room.  
  
Art strutted back over to his wardrobe, while muttering, "I really despair of that Butler sometimes, I really do!" and sighed. "Oh, I think I've put on weight again!" he said dramatically, looked at himself side-on, and told himself he wasn't sucking his stomach in.  
  
"There", he squeaked, "much better".  
  
As Art was criticizing/praising himself, Butler bounced in.  
  
Art strode over to him, snatched his cough worms "They stop the hurting", and looked critically at Butlers' pyjamas, which were green and had Paul Frank monkey heads all over them.  
  
Art rolled his eyes, and said to Butler, "We're going shopping, and I have nothing to wear!"  
  
---------------------Half an Hour later---------------------  
  
Artemis looked down at the bed with pride. He had 3000 different outfits, and it only took half an hour to get two of them in front of him. There were two leather suits, both white. They were both Italian. The only difference was the tags, and they were inside, so you couldn't tell anyway. But somehow, Art managed to find trouble with it.  
  
"Well, look at this Butler. Only took thirty minutes. It's. just, so, fabulous!!"  
  
Butler nodded and giggled, while discreetly checking his nails. Art was still rambling. "Well, I think I should with this one (pointing at the one on the left side) because it totally brings out my long legs! And it gets all the focus off my problem area." Art looked at his stomach and sniffled.  
  
Butler was still checking his nails while thinking, wow; a hot red would look so good!  
  
------------------------One hour later-----------------------  
  
Everyone was finally in the garage. Well, Juliet was slightly late, so it was only Art and Butler. Art wasn't too happy. "Do you realize she is half a minute late??" he said huffily. "She is so getting a-"  
  
Art stopped talking there, because Juliet herself walked in the garage door. "Yo, sup, my homies?"  
  
Juliet was wearing black parachute pants and a t-shirt, with Airforce Ones. Also black. She had a stupid amount of jewellery on, with rings and necklaces, earrings and bracelets.  
  
Butler, however, had a blonde wig on, a baby pink singlet on, reading "Big Boy" and tight hipster jeans. Amazingly, there was no flab hanging them, Art saw with a lot of envy. To add to Butlers outfit, he had a red stilettos on, with his red nail polish, and a red Roxy bag. He also had a demin jacket on, slightly faded.  
  
Art, as we know, was wearing his Suit, and Gucci loafers. His dark hair was expertly styled, as he told people, it was the only way to have it done.  
  
Juliet unlocked the Bentley, by lazing waving her remote and clicking it. They all walked to the Bentley and got in. Art and Butler went into the backseat, with Juliet driving.  
  
They back out of the garage at an alarming speed, to Art, anyway, and Juliet put on Nelly.  
  
Butler and Juliet immediately started singing, "Nelly - It's getting hot in herre".  
  
Butler started fanning himself with his hand, and started to lift up his singlet, but Art caught his eye and glared. Butler took his hands off his singlet, and blushed.  
  
The next song, unfortunately for Art, was "Nelly - Airforce Ones".  
  
Juliet was wearing Airforce Ones, so she stomped along with the song. The car was now bunny hopping up and down the road.  
  
Seeing as Art wasn't wearing a seatbelt, "they are much too drab, and they wrinkle your clothes something dreadful!" he was reported to have said, he was flung into back of the seat in front of him.  
  
Butler, started stomping too, but he had much more bulk than Juliet, even if she had the brake pedal.  
  
So now, the car was bunny hopping, and bouncing slightly up and down, with one of it's passengers not having a good time.  
  
Art looked at Butler, still stomping, and gave him a glare. Butler got it. He stopped stomping, giggled, and flicked his hair. Unfortunately, the wig came off, so Butler hurried to pick it up and style it again, with the help of a hand held mirror.  
  
Juliet must have tired of Nelly, because the music stopped and she was ferreting around for something else.  
  
Butler, who had been buffing his nails, looked at Art and said, in his most pleading voice, "Arty, can we pleaseeeeee go into the surfy shop?"  
  
Art thought for a moment. "Allright, but you know how much I despair of those "trendy" shops, Butler."  
  
Butler squealed and gave Art a bear hug, and said, "Oh thank-you, thank- you, thank-you Artemis!!!"  
  
Art sighed and tried not to smile. "Now, now, Butler, you know how much I hate wrinkled clothes! And please do stop calling me Artemis!"  
  
Butler nodded and giggled, except this time it was happily.  
  
Juliet had finished her ferreting and put Nelly back on, and as the car bounced and bunny-hopped, with Nelly's voice blaring from the speakers, Art fully concentrated on getting all those hideous wrinkles from his spotless clothes.  
  
The car finally reached the shopping mall. Art and Butler got out of the car, Art got out gracefully, while Butler bounced and squealed in excitement.  
  
Juliet opened the passenger window and Art poked his head though.  
  
"Juliet, meet us here at 5:00, ok? And please don't be late darling, I truly despair of late people" Art said snootily.  
  
Juliet nodded. "No sweat." She stuck her hand out, and Art, assuming she wanted to shake hands, stuck his out too.  
  
However, Juliet did she "secret shake', which she boasted to anyone who would listen, only three people in the world knew. Actually, only two knew. Artemis tried his best though.  
  
Juliet said, when she finished, "Catch ya later, dude"  
  
Art pulled his head out of the car, and checked his nails, shaking his head. While he was doing that, Butler and Juliet had talked, done the secret shake, and Juliet had given Butler something.  
  
As Butler was straightening, he was sticking something into his Billabong wallet. It was green, looked like a note and folded. Art couldn't possibly think of what it was.  
  
"Allright, Butler, lets go." Art said, striding to the entrance of the mall, with the air of going to visit the queen.  
  
Butler followed him like an excited dog.  
  
Chapter Two: Venturing into unknown dangerous lands  
  
The mall was jam-packed.  
  
"Oh, this is a bit of a bother," Art said, "but we must venture on."  
  
Butler nodded happily.  
  
They heard singing, somewhere in the distance.  
  
Art looked around curiously until he found the stage. Butler just looked at his nails.  
  
A Prince look-alike was singing and dancing on the stage, and a banner was hanging above his head, reading "the artist formerly known as PRINCE"  
  
(TafkaP - you say it tar-pif-cap.)  
  
Art watched hungrily. For half an hour. Then tafkaP winked at him. Art was shocked. Then Butler started whining he was bored and needed to go to the toilet.  
  
Art, who had one of these 'accidents' with Butler in public before when Art hadn't found a toilet quick enough, left, still watching tafkaP.  
  
Art, thankfully, found a toilet in time. We won't go into much details, except everyone staring at Butler with envy and amazement. But let's not go there.  
  
So, Art went into his incredibly overpriced shop, whereas Butler went next door to his equally overpriced surf shop.  
  
Art wandered around until he realized. he didn't want Gucci and Armani anymore. he felt more. daring. He quickly walked out of the shop, making the shop assistants raise their eyebrows. Art always bought something.  
  
As he was walking away, he glanced at Butlers' shop, to make sure no one had seen him. Butler was holding a pair of parachute pants, and looking critically at the G-Strings. Art was watching him, so he started to walk backwards.  
  
Butler began flicking the "strings" of the underwear. Art was walking quickly now; he did not want Butler to see him, because he totally adored him as a gay "Gucci/Armani fan".  
  
Suddenly, Art tripped. He fell into a very smelly, dirty rubbish bin. As his "long legs" flew up, the Gucci loafers flew off them and hit the surf shop window. Hard.  
  
So hard they broke the window, and hit Butlers' head and leg. Butler looked down at the loafers and picked them up, face screwed up with concentration. He realized who's they were, picked them up and bounced out of the store.  
  
The alarm went off, but when the security men just looked at Butler and backed off. This might have been because of his two metre high body, with massive muscles, deep blue eyes, or his outfit. It made a dangerous combination.  
  
Butler continued his bouncing over to where Arts' rubbish bin was. He picked Art out of it and set him gently on the ground.  
  
"I really despair of this Butler, I really do!!" Art said dramatically. Then, to Butler complete surprise, the boy started crying. "I wanna go home, I really do!" His knees crumpled, and he fell to the ground.  
  
No time for giggling, thought Butler, as he nodded, and grabbed Art in a bear hug, ignoring all the curious people staring at them. He then sprinted for the exit, knocking several tafkaP fans over.  
  
When they reached outside Butler set Art down again, but he just fell over.  
  
Butler shrugged to himself, and reached into his purse, pulling a hot pink mobile out. He looked carefully at all the number, until he saw the one with "JULIET" on it. He pressed the number. * Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring * the phone went.  
  
"Yo" Juliet said  
  
"Juliet, it's me, Butler" * girly giggle *  
  
"Sup, my bro?"  
  
"Like, Artemis fell into a rubbish bin." * Muffled laughter *  
  
"Ok, my bro, I'll be right there"  
  
"Thanks, Julie!"  
  
* Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep * I wonder what you do when that happens? Butler thought to himself, as he stuffed the phone back into his purse.  
  
"Arty, Julie says she be right here. Ok?"  
  
Art nodded and sniffed.  
  
"Oh here, you cannot go around with a snotty nose, it's just so grotty!" Butler said helpfully, handing Art a tissue.  
  
------------------------------ Fifteen minutes later------------------------  
  
Venturing out of now known dangerous lands into known dangerous lands.  
  
CrOsSoVeR  
  
The Bentley moved toward them. Slowly. Juliet was driving, and she was wearing a shapeless, long brown dress.  
  
She parked into the space next to Art, and the sounds of the talkback radio were drifting from the car.  
  
Juliet hurried up to Art and said anxiously and hugged him, getting her dress filthy. " Are you Ok, Arty?"  
  
"I'm fine" Art grunted.  
  
They both ignored Butler, who had zipped up his jacket, and gone white, as if it was cold. He opened the car door, got in, and slammed it.  
  
"Arty, sit by me, in the front, and tell me what happened." Juliet insisted, as she opened the door for Art. When they were well on there way home, Art suddenly said, "I want people to call me "the person formerly known as Art" (tpfkaA- you say it tar-pif- car.)  
  
Juliet stared at him. The car slowly moved into the centre of the road.  
  
"The road," tpfkaA said, grumpily  
  
Juliet jerked the steering wheel so the car was straight again.  
  
"Allright Art- um. tpfkaA", Juliet said hesitantly. "So what happened to you?"  
  
"Fell in a bin" Art said, bored  
  
The rest of the car ride went without incident, until they got home, where Juliet said she would make tpfkaA a "nice cheese sandwich".  
  
Butler stormed upstairs, and they heard Tool blaring out of his room.  
  
TpfkaA didn't just eat one cheese sandwich. he ate five. Juliet stared at him again. Oh well, he probably wants to impress some girl, I must admit, he is quite a cutie! Juliet thought fondly. Then he stumped off to their gym, and attempted to bench press 5 kg.  
  
Butler was sitting on his bed, head in hands. Life sucked. He sucked. Juliet sucked. His hipster pants sucked. TpfkaA sort of sucked.  
  
He would have sat there, totally out of it. until he heard a girly scream.  
  
It was coming from the gym. Butler got up (slowly) and walked (slowly) across the floor to the gym, where tpfkaA was bench-pressing.  
  
Or trying to. His face was red, his teeth were gritted and his face was sweaty. It also probably didn't help (a) he was weak and (b) he was still wearing his Suit.  
  
Butler took the bar with one hand and placed it back on the rack. Easily.  
  
"Thanks," grunted the-ever-grateful tpfkaA.  
  
Butler walked (slowly) out of the room.  
  
TpfkaA slouched out of the gym and into the kitchen. "There's a run tomorrow and I'm going" tpfkaA said to the fridge, in his cheerful manner of speaking.  
  
Juliet walked away from the fridge and to the bench, where she started slicing the tomatoes.  
  
"Good" was all she said. As tpfkaA left the room, she attempted to ruffle his hair. TpfkaA ducked and exited.  
  
--------------------Nineteen hours later---------------------  
  
Dublin Fun Run  
  
TpfkaA stretched. He was tired already. "WILL ALL THE RUNNERS GO TO THE STARTING LINE?" a person with a megaphone said.  
  
--------------------------Five minutes later---------------------  
  
"READY, SET, GO!!!" the megaphone person said.  
  
TpfkaA started running. Slowly.  
  
"Go, Arty- er, I mean tpfkaA," a shrill voice screamed.  
  
Stupid blonde, tpfkaA thought grumpily.  
  
-----------------One hour later----------------  
  
An Army group drew level with tpfkaA. The leader of the group, in a pink fluffy jumpsuit was in front. He had a very red face. "Allright darlings," he said to the group, who were wearing sleek, navy green jumpsuits, with LEP on the back. They were odd allright. but the oddest thing was. none of them were over a metre in height.  
  
They came up to a drink stand and stopped. tpfkaA copied. A mean looking woman growled, "Hurry this up Root, or I'll have to get these idiots moving myself."  
  
The leader, Root, said, "its allright, Holly. Plenty of time, we'll get moving after everyone catches their breath."  
  
Holly glared at Grub, who was extremely pink.  
  
An odd-looking creature, he looks like a donkey, thought tpfkaA no, he's a centaur, he told himself.  
  
Scratching his head in wonder, he continued to watch and listen (even thought he had trouble doing both).  
  
The centaur was saying, in a trying-to-be-sexy voice, "So, Holly, I've always liked a strong woman, how about you and-"  
  
He got cut off from a sharp slap across the face, from Holly. "Shut your Gullet, Foaly. Before I-"  
  
"SILENCE!!!" an officer bellowed.  
  
Everyone jumped and looked slightly scared.  
  
"Whoa, chill it, Trouble," said Foaly.  
  
A blonde, female officer was having a conversation with another. Actually, she was doing all the talking. "So, like, I got moved in Recon, isn't that the coolest!!!"  
  
"Yea, it is." The officer said, staring at her. And it wasn't her face.  
  
TpfkaA was tapped on the shoulder; he jumped and turned around, trying not to look like he had just been eavesdropping.  
  
"Yes." TpfkaA said to Butler.  
  
Butler looked at tpfkaA seriously. He was deathly pale and was wearing all black. Black beanie, jacket, t-shirt, pants and shoes.  
  
"Artemis-"  
  
"Don't call me Artemis," grunted tpfkaA crossly.  
  
"- I am your bodyguard. and I want you to know my name. It's. Domovoi."  
  
!!!BANG!!!  
  
CrOsSoVeR  
Back to Before  
  
Artemis woke up with a groan.  
  
Butler woke and immediately got to his feet, then checked Artemis. He seemed to be allright.  
  
Artemis got to his feet wearily. "What am I doing in these clothes?" he questioned Butler  
  
"I have no idea, sir" Butler replied.  
  
"And where are we?"  
  
"Somewhere in Dublin, I'd think, sir."  
  
Root got to his feet first and roared, "GET OFF THE GROUND!! YOU'RE NOT PAID TO SLEEP!!!"  
  
Trouble sprung to his feet. "What can I do sir?" he asked eagerly, saluting.  
  
"Check everyone. I didn't wake them." Root replied, huffily  
  
Root bent over Holly and poked her. She woke immediately. Root helped her to her feet.  
  
"What happened, sir?' she asked curiously, looking at all the sleeping people, which Trouble was waking.  
  
"I have no idea, Short, so don't ask me. If you want to help, wake Foaly. Lets see what Donkey-Boy says about this!"  
  
Artemis and Butler looked at each other, and started to walk home, the way they had been running only minutes ago, leaving all the sleeping people, the LEP, and many more adventures ahead of them.  
  
Thanks go to.  
  
Artemis Fowl: Starring as. "Art" - stupid gay Gucci fan  
"TpfkaA" - stupid jock  
& As himself  
  
Domovoi Butler: Starring as "Girly teenage"  
""Goth"  
& As himself  
Juliet Butler: Starring as. A 'homie' or 'nigga'  
"Arty's mummy"  
  
The LEP:  
  
Julius Root: Starring as: "Sweet Teacher"  
& As himself  
  
Holly Short: Starring as: Gruff, rude, person  
& As herself  
  
Trouble Kelp: Starring as: "Loudmouth"  
& As himself  
  
Foaly ???: Starring as: "A smooth dude"  
& As himself  
  
Lili Frond: Starring as: Herself.  
And to the rest of the LEP.  
  
And special thanks to:  
  
Eoin Colfer: For letting me steal his characters. thanks (  
  
AND.  
  
Paul Frank, Cough Worms "They stop the hurting", Armani, Italian Suits, Gucci, Roxy, Airforce Ones, Nelly - and all his songs, Billabong, Talkback  
Radio, The Corrs, & Tool! 


End file.
